Be Honest With Yourself

Growing up my parent's taught us to be honest. If you did something you shouldn't have done own up to it, deal with the consequences, and move on. I have taken that teaching with me throughout my life. My close group of friends know that when they ask me a question they will get the truth, I will always try and word it nicely, but it will be the truth. Recently, I realized the one person I am not always honest to is myself.

It's not always easy, but it's the truth

I block, sugar coat, and ignore some of my own feelings and actions because I don't like how they feel. If I overeat on calories one day, I might happen to forget to enter them into myfitnesspal, almost as if I don't enter the information I didn't overeat and then I can look at the scale and wonder why did it go up. With dating, if I am with someone and they do something I may not like I will leave that story out when talking to my friends. If I don't talk about it, then it didn't bother me and all is right in the relationship. If I am feeling scared about something, but I say I am not, then I must be okay. You see what I mean?

I wouldn't trust a friend that didn't tell me the truth,
why should I trust myself if I can't tell myself the truth

It's okay to be scared. It's okay to fail sometimes. It's okay to be excited. The biggest lesson I am learning right now is being honest with myself. It's okay. Don't deny how something makes me feel just because I don't want to feel that way. Own my feelings with myself. I am not any more perfect than the next person. I can't grow as a person if I am not willing to know myself inside and out.

I want to know me the good, the bad, and the scared

Dating Highs and Lows

Time for a dating update post....

For those of you that are happily married can I just say I am jealous. 

If you are fortunate to have found the person
who became your last first date, I'm jealous. First dates are rough 

Dating is hard and I feel like dating is harder now that I am in my 30's for so many reasons. In the earlier dating years when I met a guy it was is he hot, does he have a nice tush, what type of car does he drive, does he have a job. Now I find myself thinking does he have a job, does he have lots of roommates or live at home with his parents, does he have kids and an ex-wife, can he pay his bills or will I be supporting him, does he want a family and yes the does he have a nice tush is still an important question.  Just to add to the questions, if you are looking online it's even more of a mystery if the guy you meet will match what he wrote and posted on the site. 

I believe this will happen for me someday.
My heart may have been broken before, but it has made me who I am today

Now for my personal update...I met someone through mutual friends. My friend and her husband played wingman and wingwomen for us. We text for about a month before we finally had time in both of our schedules to go out. The night was a lot of fun, we laughed a lot and he even sang some karaoke...yes the man can sing! We both didn't want the night to end, he didn't drop me off until about 4 am the next morning. I know I went to bed with a smile on my face.

Since that night it has been a mix of many emotions. When you are dating at this stage in life you both have a past, you both have other relationships, romantic and not, and things that stick with you. As much as you tell yourself to not let the past sneak in to your present thoughts, I honestly don't think it's possible not to. If you have been hurt before or let down, you notice everything the other person is doing. You wonder did I miss something last time and feel very determined not to miss it this time. I am guilty of all of that. I should have seen things in past relationships, or I did but I blocked and didn't want to admit them, and for that I got hurt and was angry with myself for not saying something sooner and especially for not walking away from the relationship before I could get hurt any further. I will say, that this guy has surprised me on many occasions, he is wonderful at talking and communicating and yes has even called me out on some of my behavior to make me aware and in return I have done the same for him. 

It's not fair to blame someone for what someone else did 

The scariest part is not what you see on the surface, it's what you feel deep inside as you start caring and liking someone more. You are opening your heart and being vulnerable, and hoping the person you care about will treat it right, that everything they tell you is the truth. Hoping that they are falling for you as you are falling for them. There is no secret to dating, there are no guarantees to any relationship; there is a lot of putting faith in the other person, hoping they will do right by you as you will by them, and trusting your own instincts. 

I don't have a crystal ball to know what will happen with the man in my life at this time. I hope we continue to grow together and enjoy everything we do. I can tell you my heart is open and while it's really scary, it's better than being closed off and missing the opportunity to find something special. 

Most important advice I ever received,
be yourself and be true to you

Have any good dating advice or stories please feel free to comment and share them!!

Food for Thought

I have always known I was somewhat of an emotional eater in addition to a I'm sitting on the couch and want to munch eater. But either way, it wasn't hunger that was controlling my eating. I recently started reading the book "It Starts with Food" aka Whole 30 I am not done with the book yet, but I will say so far I have had more aha moments than I can count. There was a part in the book about certain foods and emotions being connected. This is how I interpreted what they said in the book; if you think happy when you eat Doritos your brain will associate with that feeling and the next time you need that happy you will crave those Doritos. The good news is that can be changed, the brain has to basically be rewired.

Chelsea keeping me company reading 

So there I was sitting on the couch and thought well if I can get happy feelings from Doritos I can definitely get happy feelings from the bowl of blueberries I was currently munching away on. So I closed my eyes and as I ate the blueberries I let myself truly enjoy every single taste and thought about happy things while eating them. I have continued to do this with blueberries and other healthy foods. On the flip side I have also tried, when I think about cookies, chips, and things that are not so healthy to think of how I felt last time. I try to remember every yucky feeling and how miserable I felt after and sometimes days after. Maybe now when my brain thinks about those foods it will think yuck no thanks that is no longer happy food. I have no idea if this is going to work.Will this new method of thinking hold me back when I am feeling particularly down from grabbing a chocolate bar or a bag of chips? Only time will tell, but I figure it's worth a shot.

Cindy

Finding My Health and My Voice

For the most part I am not a very shy person. I love meeting new people and going to new places, but on this journey to being a healthier person I have discovered that I have a shy side, I am not very good at asking for help, and rarely ask for custom treatment. 

Let's start with the gym. I walked in determined, but quickly realized I was only finding myself determined to use the stationary bike. The side of the gym with the weights seemed a bit foreign to me. I decided it was time to change that, if I was truly committed to me and my health I needed to learn to lift weights. So I got myself a trainer. Within a week he had me on different equipment and trying new things. I found myself asking him to teach me more. Telling him pieces of equipment I liked to use and ones I really didn't enjoy because it bothered some part of my body. Thankfully he is a very patient person and has a sense of humor. Yesterday, I was feeling, well, blah from realizing I still have such a long way to go. He stopped the workout and asked me to talk to him and tell him my thoughts. And for once I did. I really talked to him about the gym, my goals, my fears, all of it. He got me to express everything going on in my head and made me feel better about the gym and about myself.  He helped me put together an even better plan based off of what I told him and reminded me to always speak up for myself.  I now have a bunch of great lifting and cardio plans that I can rotate from day to day.  

The other area I found my voice is when eating out and with people. I never wanted to be that picky person who says I want things cooked this way or order something specially made. I have come to realize those people aren't necessarily picky, they are just looking out for themselves, and I want to be one of them. Now I order veggies and sauces on the side instead of fries and food being smothered. I also speak up more when people ask me where I want to go, it's no longer wherever works, because some places have healthier choices and are more accommodating I would rather go there. 

I never thought I would learn so much about myself in this effort to become a better, healthier version of me. I feel like every day I discover something new and it feels amazing inside. I'm so glad I started this journey and look forward to discovering more. 

Cindy